Looking back, the Holy Spirit showed me exactly when my heart first became hardened- when I was in 7th grade, on a church choir trip to Gatlinberg?
Prior to our performance, I remember having to leave the sanctuary to go get some water. I felt extremely hot. After splashing cool water on my face, I hurried back so that I could get ready for our performance. During one of the last songs of our performance, I remember feeling really weird and wobbly. My body leaned forward and then backward, and then everything went black. I had fainted. Never in my life have I fainted before this instance, and never in my life have I fainted after. My youth pastor's wife told me that I needed to call my mom and tell her what happened because she would want to know. I didn't tell her this, but I didn't want to call my mom because she had just gotten out of substance-abuse rehab. I felt in my heart that she didn't care if anything happened to me, so it was just better left unsaid. However, she dialed the number, so I didn't really have a choice, as she was right in front of me and stayed beside me for the entire conversation. While on the phone, my mom apologized for her actions and behavior. She informed me that she had gotten some help and that she would take good care of me when I got back to Memphis. I was scared to death to walk back into my house after having seen the worst experience of my life. It was a house of secrets and sadness, and I didn't want to walk back into this life. I enjoyed being away, and I didn't want to come back to face "real-life". However, I came down with the flu the evening upon my return from the church choir trip. Again, I had never had the flu before, and I have never had the flu after being completely helpless for an entire week. The person who took care of me and nursed me back to health was the woman I loved and called Momma, not the other scary being whom I didn't know whether she was dead or alive. There were highs, and there were lows after my mom's first hospitalization. I missed the first Friday of my sophomore?? year to travel to _____ to visit my mom at her month-long rehab center. I had a poor attitude at first, but God quickly changed my heart about going to support and encourage her in this step of her recovery venture. A year later, my dad's position at the TBCH had been eliminated, so He sought the Lord's will for his future career path. This had a huge impact on my family and me because this mission field was my home; it was the place I was born and raised. These people were my family. My dad not only had to find a new field of ministry, but also a new place for us to live. While my family life was unstable, I had an amazing church home with a solid group of friends, most of whom I am still close friends with today. Being 16 years old and a junior in high school, my friends were my life! As long as I had them encouraging me and holding me accountable, everything would be fine, right? WRONG! The new mission field that my dad was called to ministry was at a local church. His new title? Youth minister. WELL! You know that went over real well, considering I was a junior in high school and was at the prime age of my spiritual growth at my current church home, with my best friends. It doesn't look so good when your own daughter won't go to your youth group, though... Needless to say, I was forced to leave my home and my church home, all at the same time. The only positive thing in my life at this time was that I just started driving, which meant a little slice of freedom from my current reality. This little slice of freedom was the vehicle Satan used to lead me into crashing and burning from my father's hedge of protection. I didn't realize it at the time, but my heart was continuing to harden.
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