June 9, 2014 (2 am)
Preface: As I began writing in my prayer journal really early this morning, I initially started it off with praying for 2 friends. Then, I felt compelled to write, so words just began appearing: one, after another, after another… How long does it… {take for me to allow God to truly heal me and make me whole in Him?} PRAYER JOURNAL: MY PRAYER TO GOD Before I even finished writing this question, I feel that You have already confirmed how long it'll take to cleanse me from my "old" self and enable me to become whole, allowing You to form my new identity in Christ that you have intended for me to be. I now understand the value and importance of abiding in Your Word, allowing Your promises to manifest in my heart and soul so that I can be fully equipped to further Your Kingdom, at the place You have called me to do Your will and be Your hands and feet. I receive this truth over my life! I am feeling whole and complete, resting in this Truth tonight. I ask that when I begin to fall into the trap of my sinful nature that You would immediately allow Your Holy Spirit dwelling inside me to speak truth over my life. I ask that You will comfort me, oh Heavenly Father, when I am vulnerable and weak- when I long for desires of the flesh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ God, I am moved to tears right now because I am scared to death, but from previous experience, I know that You have called me to be like Your disciples, drop my net, and at once follow You, God- to follow wherever Your Spirit is leading me. As I was writing ^ that, You brought to mind Uncle Tim's asking me to go with him to World Changers in July. It immediately made me feel annoyed because the only place I have ever really felt any desire to go is to Africa. When we were at the beach last summer, Bridget told me that she wanted to go to Africa with Uncle Don, and for the first time ever in my life, I actually felt like I, too, wanted to go on an international mission trip. Africa felt right. In my heart, I truly wanted to go this summer, but Bridget said that she would be ready in two years, so I agreed. God, You just brought to mind how Roger's daughter is so young, yet she has the desire to go on an international mission trip. She is leaving for Cuba in just a few hours. {Her team doesn't even know if their visas will be there when they get to Cuba, yet they are going anyways. This is a huge leap of faith- WOW!} So, now I am feeling like: …ok, maybe I will be willing to go to World Changers with Uncle Tim, but only if Aunt Robin goes... ... and now The Holy Spirit is convicting me this is the wrong reason to go (or not to go) on a mission trip- whether my aunt goes or not... My comfort is NOT God’s goal, lol! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Then, God told me WHERE He is wanting me to go. Listen well, you all! The princess will indeed grow in grace and beauty. But before the sunset on her sixteenth birthday, she will prick her finger on a spindle of a spinning wheel, and she will fall into a sleep-like death! The curse can only be broken by true love's kiss. No power in all the Earth can undo this. Realizing that she cares for the girl, Maleficent tries to revoke the curse. But because she made it so that no power on Earth can undo it, she cannot break the curse.
Girl, my heart aches for you. In this moment, I am praying for the Holy Spirit to either grant me discernment on what to say/text you, or He reveals to me what to pray for you, bc I'm at a complete loss of words and prayers.
I'm so sorry that today has been such a rough day and that you have been going through this incessant turmoil over being unable to physically do anything on your own, human means. It breaks my heart to know that you long to help him and Amelia in any way that you could, but there is nothing that you can physically do. God, on the other hand, can. And I know you just want to vent and not hear that right now, but I want you to hear The Truth that you don't want to hear. I know you prob don't want to hear it bc I have been in a place where people would say, "Just give it to God!" I felt like screaming at them, "If I could, I would!" I thought I was "giving it to God!" And it would honestly enfuriate me bc I tried and tried and tried to give my sorrows and pain to Him... But God has shown me that it wasn't anything that I could do to give it to Him, but only bc of His mercy, has He allowed me to be able to do things that I never thought I could do! Just recently, like this past month! Like giving Garrett up to Him. I tried time after time after time to give that boy up, but I kept going back to him bc I felt as though I was the only follower of Christ that would encourage him in his spiritual walk. God opened my eyes to the realization that God needed to be #1 in my life, not saving Garrett. He made me realize that my desire for Garrett's spiritual growth was getting in the way of my own. I'm not sad anymore, I'm becoming angry. Like I can't do anything else but cry. I feel like I have nothing left in me for this to just happen again. I can't help but worry each time this comes but bc each time it's progressed and it can be life threatening to him. I don't know what else to do but pray and then I'm stuck here just waiting and worrying. I'm sooooo stressed out. Like I feel blindsided. We just got the "clear" from Neuro 6 weeks ago. How is it back to being a serious issue?! Makes no sense at all I simply say that to encourage you to pray for mercy, as I will join you in praying for God to grant mercy on you, His beloved child, that He will give you the strength to give your children up to Him, as He did that lady who leads our "Stronger" Bible study, Angela Thomas. Idk how that is done, but I will pray for God to have mercy on you, strengthening you to do this. Sacrificing your children, by giving them up to God, is something I have never had to go through. But God used the Abraham/Isaac story to allow me to see that God had mercy on Abraham for doing this, and He provided another sacrifice. Isaac was saved from death bc Abraham was willing to give him up to God. I'm not saying go build a fire and tie your babies to it, bc that's creepy, lol, but Lololololol I know what your saying I am saying that I began praying for God to give me the strength to be able to give Garrett up to God bc He told me not to have any other gods before Him. I told several people that I didn't feel like Garrett was a god. I also didn't feel like I put Garrett before Him, but God is teaching me that I allowed the way Garrett treated me to determine my happiness or the mood I would be in. God is showing me that I need to be joyful in The Lord, no matter how Garrett is treating me or what decisions Garrett chooses to make with his life. I didn't know how to do that, so I prayed for God to do it for me. And He is in the process of healing my heart and enabling me to experience joy- happiness despite the circumstances. I will begin praying specifically for God to change your worries to prayers, knowing that God WILL heal them. I will pray for God to give you the strength to give these worries to Him, rather than allowing them to determine your mood. And I don't say that in a rude or mean way at all!!! I think you are crazy strong! Like, I do not know how you have made it this far, girl. Your strength inspires me, and I am going to pray for God to continue to strengthen you when satan begins whispering lies to you. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and under attack. I will pray for God to allow you to defeat the enemy's lies with His truth, just like Jesus did, when satan tried to tempt him! Satan attacks people who he is threatened by! Just like girls! Worldly girls are catty towards people they are threatened by Someone who is prettier or has a better figure or whatever Satan is extremely cunning. He used scripture to tempt Jesus! Jesus responded with other Biblical truths. Satan is doing the same to you. "If you are praying and believing God will miraculously heal your children, why isn't He? Doesn't His word tell you that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, He say to that mountain JUMP, and it will jump? If He can move mountains, why can't He heal your children?" Sound familiar?! Yes. He is the master of deceit! It may seem small now, but remember when Amelia had that TERRRRIBLE fever that was SOOO high and wouldn't go down? God healed her! The King of Kings hears our prayers. He answers them in the way that will bring His name the most glory. I'm just now allowing this truth to manifest in my life, and it has changed my entire outlook. Now I don't even wanna come tonight at all. I don't wanna be that broken down girl again. Please don't tell anyone that. I'm gonna come though don't worry. Unless the dr calls back and makes me take Duncan to hospital. I just feel like I'm shutting down. I am gonna get off my phone and go have some quiet time and pray. Love you. WAIT! Yes mam? I promise I will not tell anyone that. I understand how it feels when you feel you are "broken down", but girl!!!! From personal experience..: I broke down when I gave my testimony in front of 80 women the last night of the Beth Moore Bible study Ugly cry! I broke down in our Bible study- ugly cry: part 2! Ugly cry: part 3 was by myself the following day.., I haven't cried because of feeling broken down or defeated since. Not saying I won't, but I promise you--- I have NEVER, EVER like TRULY felt the LOVE of God, until the aftermath of breakdown:part 2! Someone I didn't know wrote me a check for $100 Y'all set up a meal plan for me I felt like I was a homeless person or something, lol! The crazy thing is, yes, I felt very broken! But in my brokenness, God allowed His hands and His feet- you ladies- to overwhelm me with love. And while I felt broken, like I should be on Beale street with the other poor people, God is in the process of raising me up. We are all broken. That is why we need a Savior, and since He is not physically here, He has called us to be the Body of Christ! You were His hands- by feeding me! I think I'm gonna come over! I'm About to get the kiddos down for a nap :( Ok, that's good. I promise I'm ok. I would tell you if I wasn't I swear! Your my #soulsister so you would be the first I called! :) Ok, but you better get your Bible out, and ask Him to speak life to you! I will. And not sit on the couch and feel sorry for yourself, bc that is what I used to do! ... And by used to, I mean two weeks ago! 😂😂😂 "We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is this manna!"
(Numbers 11:5-6) Everything is much better in our memories. That's the case with the Israelites as they were wandering in the desert, they were remembering the foods they used to eat. Never mind that they were slaves! God provided a daily miracle for them and that is their thanks. What miracles is God providing for you that you've overlooked? Let's learn from these ungrateful Israelites and thank our God for His provisions with a grateful heart! Download this app to get your daily devotions: http://jctrois.com God has called me to go to Africa to be His hands and feet to love His children and tell them about the love of Christ. In doing this, the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that when I come back to the U.S., I will be cleansed, healed, and completely whole. He told me that He would provide the means to go on this Spiritual journey; all I have to do is be willing. My spirit is willing, and I am excited to follow where He is leading me.
***Prayers for HP Memphis mission group who is currently traveling to Cuba RIGHT NOW, as I type. Join with me in praying that nothing will hinder their mission and that God WILL provide their visas, right on time, so that others will be able to testify that God has provided!*** |
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