Day 1 of Running = Saturday, 8/16/14 @ 4:00am - 5:10am (approximately 6 miles) Day 1 of Running = Saturday, 8/16/14 @ 4:00am - 5:10am (approximately 6 miles) Day 2 of Running = Sunday, 8/17/14 @ 1:00pm -
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It's very encouraging to take time to reflect over the past few months and see how God has allowed me to experience healing as I have been going through the various stages of grief. May: I was completely and utterly remorseful and wished I had done our entire relationship differently. {Stage 3: Guilt/Regret} June: "Africa High" {Stage 1: Denial} July: Africa {Stage 1: Denial} {Stage 4: Depression/Withdrawal} Weekends in August have been the biggest struggle for me! Reflecting over the past 5 Saturdays gives me so much hope! :-) Saturday, August 1- I woke up hopeful that Garrett still wanted to be with me. Unfortunately, just because I had spoken to him, didn't make this true. He went to the lake and partied it up all weekend with Wesley and Brittney Long. {Stage 1: Denial} Saturday, August 9- Daniel May's bday dinner at Longhorn... For some DELUSIONAL reason, I thought I was going to to over Garrett's after dinner and watch a movie with him?!. Garrett telling me that he was "sorry" that I was hurt and sad only made it more difficult to "snap out of" my delusional state of mind. {Stage 1: Denial} Saturday, August 16- CRAY, CRAY! I stalked Garrett's IG and found pics of him with girls, basically living a life that I will just never have the desire to be apart of. {Stage 2: Anger/Pain} I slept the entire weekend and withdrew from both family and friends! {Stage 4: Depression/Withdrawal} Saturday, August 23- Beth Moore: Tears were shed when God convicted me about truly letting go of the foothold that satan has had on me for so long, but they were tears of healing. {Stage 5: Acceptance/Recon/Hope} Friday, August 29- I met up with Taryn and Jessica... Since I haven't talked to/seen them in forever, they had no idea that Garrett broke up with me. Talking about it and reliving Stevi's wedding night, Mandy Bradley's IG post ("look who's getting hitched next"), and having Garrett's friends yell at me through the other end of his phone that I am just holding Garrett back lit this fire of anger inside my soul. Not anger like a jealous rage, as usual, rather, anger out of WHY have I been so sad and depressed over Garrett when I (with God's grace) can control the way I feel. I felt angry with myself that I've allowed a mortal man rob me of my joy these past four months. Jess text me this before falling asleep last night: "They are all immature, and it's ridiculous how they act. But don't let them do this to you. You R better than that; you are STRONGER!" {Stage 2: Anger} And she is right! Because I'm seeking God's will for my life, I AM stronger! Even though I fail multiple times on a daily basis, God is/has been pouring His grace and love upon me, allowing me to truly grieve the loss of this unhealthy relationship, enabling me to become healed and whole in Him, and in Him alone. Once true healing occurs and I am truly content with it just being me, I know He will send me someone who will encourage me and join me in allowing God's amazing plans for my future come into fruition. {Stage 5: Acceptance/Recon/Hope} Saturday, August 30- Wow! I woke up hopeful, and I have no desire to stay in bed all day. This is THE FIRST Saturday since my breakup that I am not tempted to just sleep the day away. Praise The Lord! {Stage 5: HOPE!} Saturday, August 30, 2014 So, I looked up the stages of grief, and I came up with this list for grieving the loss of a relationship: 1- numbness/denial 2- anger/pain 3- guilt/regret 4- depression/withdrawal 5- acceptance/reconstruction/hope August 12, 2014 God,
I need your Spirit's power to make it through today. I cannot do this on my own. Yet again, I come before your throne BROKEN, feebly offering you what I have offered so many times before: Garrett. I surrender him to you, God. "I do not know what I ought to pray for him (or me), but I know Your Spirit is interceding on my behalf with groans that words cannot express." Thank you for this truth today! Take this sin that entangles me, this obsession of thinking about him. Rid my thoughts of him, and replace them with thoughts of things above. Thank you for your UNCONDITIONAL love- WOW! June 9, 2014 (2 am)
Preface: As I began writing in my prayer journal really early this morning, I initially started it off with praying for 2 friends. Then, I felt compelled to write, so words just began appearing: one, after another, after another… How long does it… {take for me to allow God to truly heal me and make me whole in Him?} PRAYER JOURNAL: MY PRAYER TO GOD Before I even finished writing this question, I feel that You have already confirmed how long it'll take to cleanse me from my "old" self and enable me to become whole, allowing You to form my new identity in Christ that you have intended for me to be. I now understand the value and importance of abiding in Your Word, allowing Your promises to manifest in my heart and soul so that I can be fully equipped to further Your Kingdom, at the place You have called me to do Your will and be Your hands and feet. I receive this truth over my life! I am feeling whole and complete, resting in this Truth tonight. I ask that when I begin to fall into the trap of my sinful nature that You would immediately allow Your Holy Spirit dwelling inside me to speak truth over my life. I ask that You will comfort me, oh Heavenly Father, when I am vulnerable and weak- when I long for desires of the flesh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ God, I am moved to tears right now because I am scared to death, but from previous experience, I know that You have called me to be like Your disciples, drop my net, and at once follow You, God- to follow wherever Your Spirit is leading me. As I was writing ^ that, You brought to mind Uncle Tim's asking me to go with him to World Changers in July. It immediately made me feel annoyed because the only place I have ever really felt any desire to go is to Africa. When we were at the beach last summer, Bridget told me that she wanted to go to Africa with Uncle Don, and for the first time ever in my life, I actually felt like I, too, wanted to go on an international mission trip. Africa felt right. In my heart, I truly wanted to go this summer, but Bridget said that she would be ready in two years, so I agreed. God, You just brought to mind how Roger's daughter is so young, yet she has the desire to go on an international mission trip. She is leaving for Cuba in just a few hours. {Her team doesn't even know if their visas will be there when they get to Cuba, yet they are going anyways. This is a huge leap of faith- WOW!} So, now I am feeling like: …ok, maybe I will be willing to go to World Changers with Uncle Tim, but only if Aunt Robin goes... ... and now The Holy Spirit is convicting me this is the wrong reason to go (or not to go) on a mission trip- whether my aunt goes or not... My comfort is NOT God’s goal, lol! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Then, God told me WHERE He is wanting me to go. |
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